I have got to say that I was shocked to see that my blog was viewed over 1600 times with in its first day. That was an incredible feeling to have the world know what I was dealing with and not have to hide it anymore. I also loved that several people I haven't talked to in years stepped out of the woodwork to offer their support and kind words. I felt lifted up and so supported, and then the next day, I ended up back in the hospital.
Currently, I am at the Siteman Cancer Center in downtown St. Louis. I was having a difficult day on Friday, a full out "I can't do this day," which I happened to say over and over again through tears and in between vomiting into the toilet. You see on Friday alone I had my port put in for chemo, had a CT scan done, and an MRI scheduled. In between all those wonderful things I started to get terrible stomach cramps and was vomiting consistently. I ended up going to the cancer care clinic around 8:30 at night where they realized that I had a partial bowel obstruction. They admitted me into the hospital and I was able to feel a lot better once they got the medication under control. I will mostly likely remain in the hospital for several days. Its funny because in all my 25 years I had only been to the hospital when I was born. Since then I have never gotten so much as a bee sting or a broken bone. In the past 2 weeks though, I have spent a total of 7 nights in the hospital so far and know that number will just continue to rise. However, I know that nothing- not the probing fingers, painful needle scans, scars from surgery, or even waiting on test results, can separate me from the love of God. Since hearing the "c" word I have been struggling with my connection with God. Why would he give me such a terrible disease when I am so young and healthy? The only comfort I can find during this time is knowing that every part of us down to the very DNA in our cells God put together in the very beginning. So yes, he knew that some of my cells were going to go astray, leaving the intent that they were created for and instead following their own path. I also believe that God knew these cells were multiplying in me long before I even sensed the first feeling of pain. You see, looking back on my life over the past two years, I have been blessed with so many things that I now find comfort in today during my struggle. First and foremost, God allowed me to find young love and get married when I was only 24 years old. At the time, people thought we were crazy for getting married so young, but I knew in the back of my mind that it was the right choice. Having my husband by my side today is one of the best parts of all of this. Kyle is so supportive, kind, and all seven nights in the hospital he has slept right by my side (in some very questionable reclining chairs). I cant help but think that God brought us together when he did so that we could have one strong year of marriage between us before beginning on this journey. No 25 year old guy wants to spend the majority of their summer in the hospital, but Kyle does so without complaint and with a smile on his face almost every day. Second, God allowed me to move back to my hometown even though at the time I wasn't grateful for it. You see, about a year ago, I had to quit my first teaching job in Columbia, Missouri and move back home to St. Charles. I was devastated at the time because I loved the school and environment I was in there. Kyle and I had to move because he had gotten a job in St. Louis and our families were both from there so it made the most sense to move home. I found myself teaching the next year at the same elementary school that I attended as a child. And let me just say: yes it was weird. Some of the same teachers that I had are now my colleagues, and my old principal is now my boss. However, looking back now, I honestly believe that God led me there so that I could not only grow in His faith as a Lutheran school teacher but also find a massive support system who are willing to go above and beyond in their support for me. I'm sure the number of prayers coming from the Zion Lutheran School community alone is making God want to put on earphones. The second part of our move to St. Charles was to be closer both sides of our family and honestly now if we wouldn't have moved, I don't know how Kyle and I could have been doing all of this by ourselves. I have seen my relationships with my siblings grow over the past year as well. Growing up, my sister and did not always have the greatest relationship. I have to admit that I did in fact steal her clothes at time. However, last year my sister was the maid of honor in my wedding and I can honestly say through that experience, she has become one of my best friends. Today she rarely ever leaves my bed side, takes notes at all my doctor's appointments, and makes sure that I am eating and sleeping alright. Overall, my whole family is with me every day be it at the hospital or at home. Their support means the world to me. Without their constant encouragement I would not be in such a positive spot that I am. After I was diagnosed with cancer, my grandma jumped on a plane and spent the last two weeks by my side. Since she has battled cancer three times, her constant bravery and strength have given me nothing but positive vibes as I go into my own treatment. I have also seen how this type of tragedy can bring together both sides of the family. Kyle's mom, brother, and my future sister in law have treated me as if I am one of their own. Their love and support is so great I could not ask for much more. The third comfort that I can find at this time is in my puppy Luna. Funny story about her, my Dad joked with Kyle and I after we got married that it would take only a month before I started asking about a puppy. At the time, I told him he was crazy, but within four weeks of the wedding, I was already nagging Kyle about when we were going to get a dog. He initially said that he would be okay with a dog in the summer of 2019. I took that as if he was saying I could get one whenever and decided for myself to get one in January (still 2019, just a little earlier). And thank goodness I did because if we would have waited until the summer of 2019, we would never have been able to have the joy of Luna. Each night when I am home she jumps on my bed and brings me such comfort and at times laughter when she decides to eat my socks. The last sign that I saw that God knew this was coming is that he waited until literally the last day of school before letting me know that I had a serious medical issue. The last few weeks of school I had been feeling some pain, but being with my kids allowed me to push through and live each day in the joy of being their teacher. Then on the last day of school, instead of going to the pool, I went and got an ultra sound done, confirming I had an ovarian cyst. To me, the ability to avoid having to tell my students about what was going on was impeccable timing on God's part. I could focus on myself over the summer and eventually when my students did find out, it was through the comfort of their own parents telling them and they never had to see me suffer. I truly believe that in all of these things I can see God's love as he tried to set up my life as well as possible before this disease hit. I still struggle with why I have this, but I know that he is preparing me for something bigger. Cancer doesn't cripple the love of God, it just makes it look different. God loved me from the beginning, he loves me through this disease, he loves me as I travel in and out of the hospital, and I know that God will love me to the end of this no matter where it will take me. As I sit here today in my hospital bed, I don't know what is going to happen next. I don't even know when Im going to be home next. The doctors aren't sure what the best form of treatment is next. We are currently gathering doctors to share my case with in order to ensure I have the best possible treatment. However, within that comes some waiting in the communication and time it takes to get results back. Right now, it looks like next week I could be starting chemotherapy earlier than expected. This might put the fertility track on hold, but I have to believe there is a plan for that as well. I do know that wherever I go and whatever I do, God will prepare the place for me and allow me to use the small comforts he has set in my life to get through this.
12 Comments
Cheryl Haun
6/30/2019 02:22:27 pm
Oh Kimber...your words of faith and confidence are amazing. God’s Spirit is truly within you sharing your story with those who need to hear. May our Lord’s peace, wisdom and healing powers be yours now and along your journey. As we often told our boys, remember who you are - a baptized child of God! You are loved and prayed for daily....
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Gram
6/30/2019 02:44:21 pm
I am so proud of your strength to get through this and also your love of God. He can handle anything g yiy give Him and will tenderly hold you in His arms. I love and admire you so much. ❤🙏
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Aunt Cindi
6/30/2019 04:10:15 pm
Kim, there is a saying... You never know how truly strong you are until all you can be is strong. You are strong physically, mentally and spiritually... You CAN do this. I'm happy you allow yourself those times to fall apart, cry and yes, feel sorry for yourself... You deserve that time as well... But never stop fighting ♥️ love you love you love you... I'm hugging you and praying for you from afar. And Kyle... This goes for you too... Love you!
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Angie T
6/30/2019 06:02:12 pm
Kimber, your words are so eloquent. Thank you for sharing. We are thinking about and praying for you daily. You are strong, you are resilient, you are loved! 💕
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Tracy Corrao
6/30/2019 06:27:49 pm
Kimber - I pray God places his healing hands on you and gives you and your family comfort during this difficult time. I will continue to keep you, Kyle and your family in my thoughts and daily prays. Hugs to all.
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Susanna Kettlewell
6/30/2019 07:27:01 pm
You don’t know me... I am Mary Kettlewell’s mom... Mary is in Abbey Donahue’s pledge class. I am praying for you!!
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Debbie Hilliard
6/30/2019 09:10:14 pm
You are stronger than you know!!
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McAlister Family
7/1/2019 06:36:18 pm
We have been praying since we heard the news. Your words are very touching and I love that you are taking this outlet of writing during such a tough time. May God continue to bless you and your husband.
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Kim P
7/2/2019 08:30:52 am
Hi Kimber!
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Kim P
7/2/2019 08:41:12 am
My comment was so long it cut off, and I'm not even sure how much more I said in my rambling novel. But basically, I promise that I'm just trying to save you some grief, guilt, and worry during this process. I was 28 when diagnosed and spent a lot of time feeling guilty for being weak, when there wasn't a need to waste that kind of time suffering. Life is too short.
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Mike Held
7/7/2019 06:41:05 am
Hello Kimber,
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AuthorMy name is Kimber Graham and I have 25 years old. I am a second grade teacher, been married for a year, and have a six month old puppy named Luna. Oh and I have ovarian cancer. This blog is used to document my journey through this time. It may not be perfect but it is honest. Archives
February 2020
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