Sometimes when teaching second grade the topic would come up of what the kids were afraid of. The responses were often things such as spiders, monsters, the dark, snakes, and other simple things that kids should be afraid of. Gosh even if I asked a room of adults the same question I would probably get the same answers. We all have things that we are scared of that cripple us to the bone. If you would’ve asked me what I was afraid of two months ago I would’ve told you that my biggest fear was being sick. I know, it's not a normal thing to be afraid of. Before all this I would have never had admitted my true fear to anyone. Being sick is not something that you should fear. But I did. I feared myself getting sick and more than anything I would be afraid that people around me were sick. I’ve always hated being sick as a kid, I’ve hated the feeling of not being in control of your body. Now I’m faced with a situation where I have to face my fear on a constant daily basis. No matter what I do to take control of my situation I am faced with the reality that for the time being I am always sick.
Most of the time the sickness doesn't show itself in the normal way. I look normal (minus the hair cut) and I feel relatively okay. The week before the second round of chemotherapy I was feeling really good. It was the best I had felt in months in fact. I was back to my normal routine, I could take luna to the park, drive myself to the store, Kyle and I even were able to go on a real date. I felt a false sense of reality that I didn't have cancer. I was dreading checking myself in to the hospital for the second round of chemo. I didn't want to go at all. I wanted to continue to feel this normal for awhile. But inevitably, I went and I was pumped full of the drugs. When I got home from the hospital I was constantly throwing up and passing out. I found myself facing my fear on a daily basis. I was sick. I still have cancer and I'm not better yet. I won't be until I get through all these miserable treatments. And for me, being sick doesn't just mean feeling crappy and laying in bed. It gives me a constant sense of panic and fear. So, how do you go on with any motivation when you’re constantly riddled with fear? Well I can tell you that eventually it does get better. Eventually your fears will change. Being sick doesn’t seem so scary anymore it just seems like a way of life. I have found that through this process there are several things to be afraid of but there are also ways that you can help yourself overcome those fears. For example, think about what you can control in the situation and manage what you can control. For me, being sick is one of the biggest things that I would avoid in the past. I would constantly be pestering people with questions of if they’re OK to make sure that no one around me was sick as well. I don’t do that anymore. I know myself and how I’m feeling in control my situation. For this last round of chemotherapy, I was able to control what I packed going to the hospital. That simple thing made it a little bit better to face my fear of the next round of chemo. The other thing that has helped me face my fears is giving them over to God. Now I know a lot of people read my blog and you all may not believe the same thing that I do. But I believe that in giving your fears over to a bigger power, for me that is God. I know it sounds cliche, but really it works for me. After the first round of chemo, I wound up back in the hospital for being neutropenic, meaning that I didn't have any immune system. When I was there the doctors told me I would most likely be there for several days while we wait for my white blood cells to duplicate. I was bummed and disappointed because at this point I had spent a grand total of 3 days at home in the past three weeks. However, this time around I decided to trust in God. I didn't worry about what the doctors were telling me and I said a prayer that God would take care of this on his own and would be able to send me home when he was willing to. The next morning I woke up to one of the doctor's coming into my room to tell me the news that my levels had skyrocketed over night and that I was able to go home that day. I honestly almost started laughing. Ever since I was diagnosed with cancer I felt like I couldn't catch a break, I had bowel blockages and so many other complications. Finally, when it came down to it, all I had to do was turn it over to God and things started to turn around. Ever since that day when I was able to come home from the hospital early, things have been heading in the right direction. The second round of chemo was hard, but I am already starting to feel back to normal a week after treatment. The doctors are "ecstatic" with how I am responding to treatment so far. My tumor marker level, which is used to tell how much cancer I have in my body, has come down drastically. I also went through the process of harvesting my stem cells, which sounds a lot scarier than it was. Essentially, they stick you with two IVs and they take out your blood and spin it around to separate the red and white blood cells. The red cells are put back into your body and the white cells, which contain the stem cells, are harvested for later. The hardest part of this whole process is having to sit still in a chair for 6 hours a day while they get the cells they need. When I went in they estimated that I would be coming in 4 separate times in order to get the number of cells I needed. However, I got the number of cells they needed in the very first day. They were shocked and so was I. Things are finally looking like they are going in the right direction. I have a couple of weeks to recover before my next treatment. This time will be hard for me because I am supposed to be back at school. If I had a normal job working in the office, I think I would be able to go back to work between treatments. However, since my job involves working with small children who are notorious germ carriers, I have to stay home since my doctors are worried about compromising my immune system. I have projects that I can work on and if my blood work labs are good I will be able to sneak up to school here and there. But for the time being, the focus is on staying strong, and overcoming my fear for a few more months until I can say that I am officially not sick. Throughout all this, I realized that you can't face your fears on your own. You need the help of God to get you through it. Today I was in church and it hit me. My anthem during this journey with cancer has been "Actually I can." When I have been faced with a hardship I think to my self "actually I can," when I feel like I can't keep going I remind myself "actually I can." When I feel alone I think about everyone who is wearing an actually I can bracelet and is there to support me. However even though this has been getting me through hard times, I realized that I shouldn't be thinking that I can physically do anything on my own. I need to be thinking "Actually, I can with the help of God." I am not alone in this journey. I don't have to face my fears alone. I get to face them with all my supporters and especially with the help of the Lord.
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AuthorMy name is Kimber Graham and I have 25 years old. I am a second grade teacher, been married for a year, and have a six month old puppy named Luna. Oh and I have ovarian cancer. This blog is used to document my journey through this time. It may not be perfect but it is honest. Archives
February 2020
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