Ever since I’ve had chemotherapy I’ve been living in the state of denial. Every time I would experience a side effect I would kind of brush it off as if maybe it was not from the chemotherapy. For example when I get started getting mouth sores and could barely open my mouth and I honestly thought "Oh, maybe I just burned my mouth on the pizza last night. There's no way this is a side effect already." But I had to face up to the reality that I had chemo therapy and it was starting to affect my body. It’s crazy that you pump your body full of poison in order just to get better. Sometimes I think about it and I think about how ironic that is that we’re fighting the disease by also harming our bodies. The hardest denial that I’ve had is with the hair loss. Everyone has to admit that the thought has passed through your head. What would happen if I got cancer and lost all my hair? What would I look like? Would I still be attractive? I used to tease Kyle and ask him "Would you still love me if I got sick and lost all my hair?" and of course he would respond back with "Of course I would, stop being crazy. You're not going to get cancer." (Ironic huh?) I was so convinced that maybe this side effect would just "skip" me. I mean with every drug I had there was only like a 30% chance I would loose my head. Now a logical person would say "Kimber, if you are putting 6 different drugs in your body that each have a 30% chance that you will loose your hair that means overall theres is a 180% chance that it will happen." Not at all how I thought. I heard 30% and thought for sure it would not happen to me. Every day after chemo I would wake up “test” my hair. As in I would pull on it to make sure that it was still there and not falling off. I was pretty naïve about the fact that maybe I wouldn’t lose my hair with the chemo. And then the hair fell out. It happened so quickly one day I was putting my hair up for a ponytail and there was a little strand that was that was left out of it and I went to go grab it and put it back in the ponytail and instead of going in where it supposed to just came right out. I was shocked. Then after that it was like the gates were open and it wouldn’t stop. I looked like Id been shedding like a dog and the worst part was that I would leave hair everywhere I went. I decided that day that I was going to get my hair cut short into a pixie cut. I had read online that it’s an easier transition If you cut your hair short first for a little while before going completely bald. So on that first day when I first found my first clump of hair I made an appointment two days later to get my hair cut off. I also faced up to the fact that I would have to order a wig. My mom and my sister were super on top of the wig thing and had been bugging me about it for weeks but I had just put it aside, and put it aside. The last thing that I wanted to do was go shop for a wig when I still had my hair. However as soon as it started falling out I realize how much of an inconvenience it was. There was hair everywhere. I could barely brush my hair or take a shower without large clumps of it I also realized that my hair had started to look bad as well. It looked shabby, dry, and frayed, and honestly it just wasn’t worth it. Walking into the wig store that first time was terrifying. I cried before I went but I didn’t cry in the shop which I counted as a win for me. Surprisingly, I felt more confident in the idea of a wig after I try to couple of them on. You really can’t tell the difference but it definitely doesn’t look like my real hair. I also didn’t know that there were so many different choices when it came to wigs. You can choose a synthetic wig or a real hair wig. You can also choose different colors and cuts and styles and if it has a lace up front. I learned a lot with in that first time going to the shop. We ended up ordering a couple wigs online through a company and I got to pick one and send two back. I also bought many of the caps and scarves that you can wear. After going through the wig process they seem like the easier way to go. Kyle keeps telling me I’m silly for just wanting to get a wig and that I should just wear the caps and I’ll be beautiful no matter what. I know he’s trying to help me and be supportive but I also think that it’s going to be traumatic for him to see me without my hair is well. The first day my hair started falling out was hard for both of us we ended the day in tears holding each other. He said to me that he wished that he had stroked my hair more in the past. This was something I hadn’t even considered I didn’t even think about the fact that he might miss stroking my hair. It’s going to suck not to have hair. I feel like it will be like wear a large sign on my head that says I HAVE CANCER. Honestly, when this all started I looked up online why you loose your hair with chemotherapy. Because honestly, I didn't know that the hair loss came from the drugs and not the actual cancer. What I learned was that the drugs in chemotherapy are aimed to quickly destroy any cells that rapidly divide. That's awesome for its use to fight cancer cells, but unfortunately it also kills other healthy cells that divide rapidly, like the hair follicles. And did you know that it actually hurts when you start loosing your hair? I thought I was crazy but my scalp actually started to ache because it was going through so much. I literally had to ice my head. However, once I cut my hair short the pain began to stop. I still haven't brought myself to shave it completely off and Im holding on each and every strand of hair I have left. I know eventually it will all be gone but for now I needed to hold onto the little bit of "normal" that I had left. Lately, health wise I have been feeling great (besides the whole hair thing). My doctors said that in the last week my labs have bounced back from the first round of chemo tremendously. They are still debating when to start the second round of treatment but all I know is that on a day to day basis I have been feeling better than I have in a long time. Even though I have been feeling better, Kyle and I have gone through some tough times recently. We were trying to preserve embryos before the cancer progresses even more, and we were recently told that unfortunately, my body was not responding to the treatment, and therefore we had to stop all fertility progress. This was a hard day. I had been poking myself every night for two weeks straight with 3 different shots in the hope that there would eggs there for them to retrieve. Unfortunately no matter how many shots we did or how hard we prayed, my body was not responding. The doctors told us it looked as if I would not be able to have any biological children because even though I have one ovary left, the chemotherapy is so intense that it will likely wipe out any remaining eggs that are left. That right sentence was even hard for me to type and I still haven't quite processed what that all means. How can my God not only give me cancer but also take away my chances at having a child? I have always wanted to be a mom. I literally work with children every day and LOVE what I do. Before getting cancer I was already planning out the next year or so and looking forward to Kyle and I starting our own family, and now that was ripped away as well. I also know that the door for me to be a mom is not closed. There are still things we can do to make sure that one day we have children, even if they are not biologically ours, but still the sting of that realization hasn't quite set in. Maybe it's the state of denial that I have been living in lately, but Kyle and I both agreed that for the time being we need to focus on kicking cancer's butt. Then we will cross the fertility issue once I am clean and in remission. So for right now the fertility issue is being put in away in a box and I will deal with it after all of this. This is something that I can't find the positive side in right now and to be honest, I am not sure I ever will. All I can ask for right now is that one day God will show me the path to my family and that I will still get the chance to be a mom. However, in the past week I have had some tremendously good days physically. I was able to get together with my friends this past weekend and they threw me a "cancer sucks" party. It was great to see everyone that day. We even had a banner made and everything. However, by the end of the day I was exhausted. To be honest I felt like all day I put on a happy face that everything was fine and I could still be normal. But by the end of the party I realized that my friends all got to go home and leave and I was still stuck with cancer and the reality of the fact that it does suck. It sucks that I have spent over a month in the hospital and that in the next few months I will be back there many more times. It sucks that I have to give up the chance to have biological children. It sucks that I have to give up my job for the time being. It sucks that I am not able to do the things I could do before all this. It sucks that I have to take so many medications just to make me feel semi normal. It sucks that I can't take care of myself in the same way I once could. It sucks that I have cancer at 25 years old and that there is no cure for it. It sucks that for the rest of my life I will have to live in fear of it coming back one day. Having cancer just sucks but I have to remind myself that even in the bad days, that I CAN do this and I WILL beat this.
7 Comments
Well I have officially spent almost a full two weeks in a hospital bed. It’s not a great experience for any of you who have been fortunate enough to not have that happen to you. Thankfully, I am home now and finally feeling much better. I have also officially finished the first round of chemotherapy. The chemo doses I will be getting throughout this process are six chemo drugs given to me over the span of three days. So all you second grade math people out there, how many drugs do I get per day? Correct, two rounds of chemo a day. For three days. Sound like a lot? It was. Three long days of feeling drained and waiting to see what new side effect would take place. The names of these drugs are so overwhelming and the side effects are so detailed but I honestly couldn’t even think about them when the pharmacist came in to tell us about it all. I told him that I wasn’t feeling good and I had asked them to take it in the hallway and talk to my family about it instead. They did a great job of knowing which ones are which and also which side effects we need to look out for without having to scare me too much. I also never knew that chemo can look so different. Some come in small IV bags and some come in large bags. One of them was even in a red tube that they push through my port. It also is a little overwhelming to see the nurses get ready to administer the chemo. They have to wear certain gowns, masks, gloves, and even eyewear to administer some of the drugs. It’s so interesting that there can be so many different ways of fighting cancer and that not everybody’s treatment is always the same. Before this, I had the impression that when you received chemo you were going to be in a room hooked up to one small IV bag that would drip over your arm for about an hour and then you would go home. Now that might have been how some people‘s chemo has gone but it is certainly nothing like mine was. Since my chemo is so intensive I will most likely have to be hospitalized each time it is administered. That means at least a 3 day hospital stay at the beginning of the next 6 months. I told my family it was probably about time we bought a parking pass to the hospital garage. They didn't think it was as funny. It's hard not being home but I need to do anything and everything possible to get back to normal.
Over this past week in the hospital I really missed out on a lot of events. Biggest one being the Fourth of July. This year for the fourth I essentially slept all day because I was feeling so nauseous from the third round of chemo which was not going very well. At the end of the night my family found a bridge connecting different hospital wings where we could set up my wheelchair to watch a firework show with the Arch in the background. Pretty soon the sky was lit up with fireworks and it was absolutely beautiful, but there was still something missing. Since we were in the bridge tunnel, we couldn't hear those loud booms and cracks that you can normally feel pounding down in your heart. I realized at that moment that this feeling is going to be like a lot of the things that I will be missing out on in the next few months. I will miss out on the booms and cracks of life while I just go through the motions of watching the next few months slide by, counting down my time to finish my chemotherapy. While I was watching those fireworks, I turned and asked Kyle through my tears if these will be the last Fourth of July fireworks I will ever see. He squeezed my hand tightly and said that that would never happen. He told me that next year we will be right up front at a show with all the booms and the bangs and be able to feel the excitement of every firework again. One of the biggest questions I’ve gotten from all of this is "how are you at peace with God with this diagnosis?". To be honest I’m not quite there yet. I’m still really angry that he gave me this disease that he did. However I need to find comfort in something because I know that he’s a big God and my anger is a small part of his daily life. He can take on my anger and my family's anger for this disease. People tell me day after day that they wish that they could take away a piece of the disease and put it in themselves. But honestly, I don’t wish that on anybody. I would feel terrible if someone else I knew had this type of disease. I believe that God knew that I could handle it more than others and gave it to me for a reason. I’m still trying to figure out what that exact reason is, but I do believe that there is a reason for why he did it. But it is hard. I miss out on so many things in life and it has only been a month since I found out I had cancer. Over the past week in the hospital one of the hardest things for me has been getting on social media. I can barely do it anymore. It’s not because I don’t like to see peoples' happy faces or the happy things that they’re doing, but they remind me once again of the things that I cannot be doing. I wish I could’ve had a summer barbecue with my family at my house. I wish I could’ve taken my dog to the lake or even just on a small walk. It’s sad to see that people that are my age age get to go on living their lives where we're stuck in a hospital bed on a constant rotation of days being poked, prodded, and stuck with needles. Don't get me wrong, my friends are very supportive. They all text me and come see me when I have time, but at the same time they got to spend their Fourth of July shooting off firecrackers while I spent mine getting my first round of chemotherapy treatment. Now I am so happy that my friends do not have to go through this and I would never ever wish this on my worst enemy and I am so excited for them as they get to experience life. Currently three of my very best friends are engaged. One of them even got engaged on the Fourth of July and I’m so happy for her. Talking about the wedding planning with all three of them is a welcoming distraction. But in the back of my mind I know there will be times were I won't be able to be there for them like I used to be. When I was in the hospital during my chemo treatment one of my best friends stopped by to ask me to be her bridesmaid. This was something we had dreamed and talked about since we were freshman in high school. However, because of the chemo and the drugs I just wasn't there mentally. I practically fell asleep while she was there and woke up feeling absolutely terrible about letting her down in that way. However, I know she understands and like all my friends they support me through all this. She gave me a bracelet that says "I can and I will. Watch me" and I wear it every single day to give me hope through all this. In knowing all these events are happening and knowing that I may not be there to fully support them I also am reminded of my previous post that God has given Kyle and I the blessing of already going through the wedding process while I was healthy. I know see now that it’s other people’s turn to have that excitement and that it’s my turn to stand in the background and cheer them on in the best way that I can. Ever since Chemotherapy has officially started I have felt a lot better about my prognosis. I feel as though I am doing something to fight back this horrible disease. Over the next six months I will be getting chemo at the beginning of every month and then taking the rest to recover. The biggest scare is my immune system which I had no idea it was such a big part of chemotherapy. You know that you’re not even allowed to be around fresh flowers on some of these chemotherapy drugs? A lot of little things in my life I’m going to have to change. The biggest one being around children I know that that’s going to be hard but after the six months is over and I can regain my knee and system fully I will be right back to where I started this whole thing in the classroom ready to teach ready to learn from a new group of 21 second graders |
AuthorMy name is Kimber Graham and I have 25 years old. I am a second grade teacher, been married for a year, and have a six month old puppy named Luna. Oh and I have ovarian cancer. This blog is used to document my journey through this time. It may not be perfect but it is honest. Archives
February 2020
Categories |