Well I have officially spent almost a full two weeks in a hospital bed. It’s not a great experience for any of you who have been fortunate enough to not have that happen to you. Thankfully, I am home now and finally feeling much better. I have also officially finished the first round of chemotherapy. The chemo doses I will be getting throughout this process are six chemo drugs given to me over the span of three days. So all you second grade math people out there, how many drugs do I get per day? Correct, two rounds of chemo a day. For three days. Sound like a lot? It was. Three long days of feeling drained and waiting to see what new side effect would take place. The names of these drugs are so overwhelming and the side effects are so detailed but I honestly couldn’t even think about them when the pharmacist came in to tell us about it all. I told him that I wasn’t feeling good and I had asked them to take it in the hallway and talk to my family about it instead. They did a great job of knowing which ones are which and also which side effects we need to look out for without having to scare me too much. I also never knew that chemo can look so different. Some come in small IV bags and some come in large bags. One of them was even in a red tube that they push through my port. It also is a little overwhelming to see the nurses get ready to administer the chemo. They have to wear certain gowns, masks, gloves, and even eyewear to administer some of the drugs. It’s so interesting that there can be so many different ways of fighting cancer and that not everybody’s treatment is always the same. Before this, I had the impression that when you received chemo you were going to be in a room hooked up to one small IV bag that would drip over your arm for about an hour and then you would go home. Now that might have been how some people‘s chemo has gone but it is certainly nothing like mine was. Since my chemo is so intensive I will most likely have to be hospitalized each time it is administered. That means at least a 3 day hospital stay at the beginning of the next 6 months. I told my family it was probably about time we bought a parking pass to the hospital garage. They didn't think it was as funny. It's hard not being home but I need to do anything and everything possible to get back to normal.
Over this past week in the hospital I really missed out on a lot of events. Biggest one being the Fourth of July. This year for the fourth I essentially slept all day because I was feeling so nauseous from the third round of chemo which was not going very well. At the end of the night my family found a bridge connecting different hospital wings where we could set up my wheelchair to watch a firework show with the Arch in the background. Pretty soon the sky was lit up with fireworks and it was absolutely beautiful, but there was still something missing. Since we were in the bridge tunnel, we couldn't hear those loud booms and cracks that you can normally feel pounding down in your heart. I realized at that moment that this feeling is going to be like a lot of the things that I will be missing out on in the next few months. I will miss out on the booms and cracks of life while I just go through the motions of watching the next few months slide by, counting down my time to finish my chemotherapy. While I was watching those fireworks, I turned and asked Kyle through my tears if these will be the last Fourth of July fireworks I will ever see. He squeezed my hand tightly and said that that would never happen. He told me that next year we will be right up front at a show with all the booms and the bangs and be able to feel the excitement of every firework again. One of the biggest questions I’ve gotten from all of this is "how are you at peace with God with this diagnosis?". To be honest I’m not quite there yet. I’m still really angry that he gave me this disease that he did. However I need to find comfort in something because I know that he’s a big God and my anger is a small part of his daily life. He can take on my anger and my family's anger for this disease. People tell me day after day that they wish that they could take away a piece of the disease and put it in themselves. But honestly, I don’t wish that on anybody. I would feel terrible if someone else I knew had this type of disease. I believe that God knew that I could handle it more than others and gave it to me for a reason. I’m still trying to figure out what that exact reason is, but I do believe that there is a reason for why he did it. But it is hard. I miss out on so many things in life and it has only been a month since I found out I had cancer. Over the past week in the hospital one of the hardest things for me has been getting on social media. I can barely do it anymore. It’s not because I don’t like to see peoples' happy faces or the happy things that they’re doing, but they remind me once again of the things that I cannot be doing. I wish I could’ve had a summer barbecue with my family at my house. I wish I could’ve taken my dog to the lake or even just on a small walk. It’s sad to see that people that are my age age get to go on living their lives where we're stuck in a hospital bed on a constant rotation of days being poked, prodded, and stuck with needles. Don't get me wrong, my friends are very supportive. They all text me and come see me when I have time, but at the same time they got to spend their Fourth of July shooting off firecrackers while I spent mine getting my first round of chemotherapy treatment. Now I am so happy that my friends do not have to go through this and I would never ever wish this on my worst enemy and I am so excited for them as they get to experience life. Currently three of my very best friends are engaged. One of them even got engaged on the Fourth of July and I’m so happy for her. Talking about the wedding planning with all three of them is a welcoming distraction. But in the back of my mind I know there will be times were I won't be able to be there for them like I used to be. When I was in the hospital during my chemo treatment one of my best friends stopped by to ask me to be her bridesmaid. This was something we had dreamed and talked about since we were freshman in high school. However, because of the chemo and the drugs I just wasn't there mentally. I practically fell asleep while she was there and woke up feeling absolutely terrible about letting her down in that way. However, I know she understands and like all my friends they support me through all this. She gave me a bracelet that says "I can and I will. Watch me" and I wear it every single day to give me hope through all this. In knowing all these events are happening and knowing that I may not be there to fully support them I also am reminded of my previous post that God has given Kyle and I the blessing of already going through the wedding process while I was healthy. I know see now that it’s other people’s turn to have that excitement and that it’s my turn to stand in the background and cheer them on in the best way that I can. Ever since Chemotherapy has officially started I have felt a lot better about my prognosis. I feel as though I am doing something to fight back this horrible disease. Over the next six months I will be getting chemo at the beginning of every month and then taking the rest to recover. The biggest scare is my immune system which I had no idea it was such a big part of chemotherapy. You know that you’re not even allowed to be around fresh flowers on some of these chemotherapy drugs? A lot of little things in my life I’m going to have to change. The biggest one being around children I know that that’s going to be hard but after the six months is over and I can regain my knee and system fully I will be right back to where I started this whole thing in the classroom ready to teach ready to learn from a new group of 21 second graders
4 Comments
Pat Leezer
7/13/2019 07:52:03 am
You & Kyle both are in my daily morning prayers, hon. And I’ll ask my Bible Study to pray for you as well if you wish? I’m so sorry that the two of you have to go through this in your youth or at all for that matter. But you’re not alone! People are praying and our Father never abandons us, even when we can’t understand His plan & purpose. That’s not a platitude but learned wisdom from much experience with many challenges. Keep your faith!
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Chris Marshall
7/17/2019 09:12:49 pm
You are a great writer and communicator. I can visualize what you’re going through from your clear description and portrayal of these gut-wrenching events.
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Mary Mcguinness
7/22/2019 11:51:25 pm
Dear Kimber. Don’t really know how I came upon your blog. Fooling around on my phone. I am Mike McGuinness ‘ mother. Renee had told me what you are going through. You have been in my prayers. After reading your blog I can see what a strong person you are what a support system you have. It won’t be easy but you will beat this. Please know that I will be among the many many people praying for you. Mary Mcguinness
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Pat Leezer
7/24/2019 01:58:56 pm
You’re cute in a pixie, hon. And you’ll even be cute bald or with hats or whatever. You just have cute face.
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AuthorMy name is Kimber Graham and I have 25 years old. I am a second grade teacher, been married for a year, and have a six month old puppy named Luna. Oh and I have ovarian cancer. This blog is used to document my journey through this time. It may not be perfect but it is honest. Archives
February 2020
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